How to Get a Black Man to Love You
A Guide to Dating The 3 Types of Black Men and Women
This piece is based off a collections of observations and anecdotes from myself and the dozens and d o zens of men and women who've stories I've collected about their dating experiences (I am a bit of a social butterfly and I talk to anyone and and everyone about anything). My experiences and various Uber conversations range from New York City, to Los Angeles, and to even China. These character tropes that I am about to describe can also be found outside of Black American culture; however; it is my belief that these divisions are more significant and have been exacerbated because of the effects of slavery, the War on Drugs, and other sociological factors detrimental to the Black family. The percentage of each type of man and woman is expected to vary based on location. For example, New York City is a hustler's city and more progressive in nature in comparison to Charleston, South Carolina, a nice quaint city but definitely trending towards conservative. The culture of a city very much affects the traditions and mentality of its people.
Last but not least, though, I broke down men and women into 3 categories, they could very much be broken into smaller segments. There's levels (nuances) to this. Without further ado, let's get into it! Being the gentlemen that I am, ladies first!
PART 1: WOMEN
Overly Confident And Insecure
She is confident. She is smart. She is brilliant. What she is not, is selfless. A natural born leader with natural drive, she was unfortunate to be raised in a setting where she did not have much help. Her schools may not have been the best, and her parents may have always been at work. It did not matter, she was willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. If Oprah could do it, so could she.
She is not wrong. She will be the next Oprah, in her own way of course. When it comes to dating, her career comes first. Perhaps, she has been let down by a few knucklehead men in her past who could not handle her strength, and therefore she made a promise to herself, that never again will she take a man seriously. She can entertain a man but not at the expense of her career. Strong willed and bold, she never allows a man to pay for her dinner. Why would she do that? She can handle her own-self and she has "bands." No need to let a guy make it rain. For, she has her own stormy grey clouds.
"I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T… When you call her on her cellular
She tell you she don't need not a got damn thang." -Lyrics from Independent by Webbie.
That is her downfall. She is unwilling to compromise. She has never learned to accept help. And she doesn't realize it, nor will she admit it to herself but she very much needs a shoulder to lean on. She has put extreme pressure on herself, and convinced herself that this is the only way.
Love Strategy: Men, be patient. Do not insist on doing things for her like pay for food or do things that she can handle on her own. That said, always offer to help without any expectations. With consistency, she will at some point come to see that you actually care for her, and let you help. You have continuously go out of your way to be there for her. Be gentle yet stand up for yourself (don't be a doormat); unable to let go of her past, she may take out her frustrations on you. This will be the hardest part for this kind of woman needs some more healing, for she still has an anger against men who have wronged her and it will be really hard to gain her trust. If patient, after you have earned her trust, show her how to compromise as well. She will be use to doing things her way. In a healthy relationship both people must learn to compromise.
Common Mistakes: Running into assholes continuously, she may go after the safe guy. The guy who is weaker, in nature, than her. The doormat guy. The guy who will treat her right because he recognizes that he has hit the jackpot. It is not that this is a terrible mistake, it's really that it won't be a challenging and growth based relationship. It will be more of a relationship in which they both fill each other voids. Whatever, she does, she should avoid actively building him up for, he might leave her for the next girl once he's up. I've heard this story way too many times. Understand the power dynamic. Rather, help build him by having him help build you in your career and aspirations. Along the way, he will gain skills and he'll think twice before he leaves you, as he will have invested his self in your growth and he'll be appreciate of the new skills you've helped instill him.
Confidently Secure (The Sweet Spot)
She is confident. She is bold. She is not afraid to compete with another man, yet she does not mind letting a man take control. She understands that a real man will know her value. Hence, she does not settle. She knows her worth. She will be ready for when the right kind of guy who knows what he wants. She may be a challenge at first. This only because she is tired of dudes who want a quick thing and she is simply waiting for you to prove that you are truly invested.
On a good day, she is able to discern between an asshole, genuinely nice guy, and a lame. She pretends to entertain the assholes, in order not to hurt their ego. (I say Fu** it, hurt their ego; they need a reality check). The lames, she quickly side swipes left. "Ay ma, can I get the number?" "Thanks, but no thanks," she respectfully keeps it moving.
Love Strategy: She is ready to be loved. Come hard though, or go home! She will sense games from a mile away. Do not waste her time! If you can hang, she will challenge you nonetheless but not at the expense of compromise, or your "manliness." She is ready to cater to you, as long as you are also willing to cater to her as well. She is looking for a 51/50 partnership.
Common Mistakes: During moments of weakness, she dates the asshole because she enjoys the glamorous lifestyle and/or appreciates the inconsistent attention. These moments of weakness happen because a woman has needs as well, and as good as it sounds to hold out until someone deserving comes along, it even more exhausting. Suggestion for this woman, take a page from Rihanna and find a dude for a "faded f*ck" and keep it moving.
In moments of desperation or lapses of judgement, she can be found courting the lame, waiting for the ideal. Hey, "Sex is sex, and I ain't marrying him." I guess.
The GoldDigger:
There are variations of the Gold Digger. Gold Diggers, in a nutshell are women who are still living in the 19th and 20th centuries. They may call themselves "old fashioned" or "traditional." But let's not get it twisted, if a man's pockets is not on point, no matter how great his personality is, they do not have the patience or sense to hear that is he is a broke medical school student. All they hear is "broke" and not "medical school." Traditional or not, any person in their right mind knows that means beaucoup money in the future, and if his personality is solid, this is a smart investment that requires patient and support. You will never see the Gold Digger taking out her purse to even pretend to cover for the date. "My job is to sit there, look pretty to make you look good, provide cute meaningless conversation, and your job is to pay for that," is their mentality.
The Gold Digger, unfortunately has been raised to be the doormat for a successful man. As long as he is bringing home the bacon, she should be happy. Nice house, nice cars, nice looking family, and overall, nice image. Keeping up with the Joneses. This is the dream. Tiring and basic, if you ask me.
Love Strategy: Personally, I don't have the patience for this this kind of girl but to each their own. If you want to marry a Gold Digger fellows, be careful. I do think, with patience, you can help turn a trained house wife into a balanced career woman. Remember, beauty is not everything. With time, it will fade. Set initial boundaries. Note, you will have to come out of the pockets early on for her. That said, you must slowly start to challenge this. Make jokes here and there about her never pulling out her purse, or about her over reliance on you. She'll eventually get the point. If you don't do this, when low times hit in your career or life and your pockets are running dry, guess what, you can expect her to be the first person to leave your side. (Get yourself a dog for emotional safety measures). You can un-train this mindset by teaching her how to dig her own gold, not the gold from your pockets. Perhaps ask her help you with your work, and patiently teach her the skills for your work. Encourage her to get a job, or a real job.(After all, a part time job for some chump change is for her to pretend to not be too dependent). Help her until she reaches a point where she can hold her own. She will appreciate you for this and be able to take the lead when times are tough for you financially. You can at this point count on her not to leave for financial reasons.
Common Mistakes: She believes that if she gives and gives of herself, she deserves love. What she fails to realize is that this type of relationship is financial transaction from day one. He pays for her services and she delivers. Is she expecting more? A smart asshole will recognize the Gold Digger for what she, is a gold digger. An asshole is typically a hard worker who thinks he is entitled because he has more than enough coins to go around. He just needs to have a few girls to call up when he's in need of some quick nookie. What's a few dollars and a shopping trip if she's willing to cater to his every needs: cooking, on top of sex? Dope! And of course, the Gold Digger can't resist the coins, until she finds herself getting kicked to the curb when he's lost interest, and replaces her with another "pocket digger." Cue Kanye West "Golddigger."
PART 2: MEN
The Arrogant Asshole
The arrogant asshole is the reason for all of America's problems (See Donald Trump). He is the sexist in the workplace. He knows how to get what he wants through manipulation. He is arrogant and overly cocky, an attrictive attribute for many. He is Spiderman's arch nemesis. "With great power, comes great…" Nope, not in his book. Yet, it does bother me to see that the majority of women at some point go for him, many than turn around to say that all men suck, failing to see that they positioned themselves to get hurt by this egotistical type. Some jealousy on my part? Perhaps. I only wish I had such poor morals to be able stoop to any depth to get what I want.
The arrogant asshole. He is not without his troubles. His father, and mother had high expectations of him. They provided for him, they worked hard for him but they never taught him love. They never taught him warmth and true intimacy. Therefore, he does not know how to love himself, and therefore you. That said, he is smart, and intelligent, and thus he knows how to fool, I mean charm women: to play the nice guy, to get what he wants, until he can dispose of you. Assertive and confident, most women go weak in the knees for him. Black and successful, he's a hot commodity and he exploits it.
Love Strategy: Love him. Unconditionally. Do not love him for his power, his money, or for what he can do for you. All his life, he has learned that love is conditional and that it is a transaction, that he must be provide in order to get something in return. Love him for his good and his bad, he and he will learn to fully love all parts of himself. Remember, he is who he is and needs a partner who will help him heal. Be careful though, show interest but not by having him take you out and treat you. You want him to know that you can take of yourself and that you are actually there for his company. A failure to do so may result in him thinking that he owns you, and can treat you how he pleases. Hence, make sure you are able to provide for yourself. He will be intrigued that you are interested in him, not for his wealth but for who he actually is, what he has secretly been yearning for his his whole life.
Common Mistakes: Marrying the Gold Digger. They are a match made in hell. Think Donald and Melania Trump. This is not the worst mistake. However, the pressure to keep up "an image" will always be there. Unconditional love? Nah, but I guess something is better than nothing.
The Genuine Nice Guy
Nice is often misconstrued. It does not mean soft or boring. It means that he has a woman's best interest in mind without compromising his self. He can be funny, he can be smart, and he can even be an asshole at times. Think Peter Parker (Spiderman). He is very confident in himself yet he is not afraid to take advice from another woman or to let her lead occasionally. He is secure in his insecurities, actively working to better himself.
This kind of guy is a rock, yet he is not afraid to show his human side, his emotions. This is scary for a lot of Black women. They have become so use to the narrative of a Black male as non-emotional, aggressive, and insensitive. Failing to realize that those behaviors are covers of a hurting man, most women do not know how to handle the 'Genuine Nice Guy.' Many women simply want to receive love and support but do not know how to give the same treatment to a man. He may be straight forward and real in his intentions, something many women are not familiar with.
He may be afraid to love, for every time he has opened his heart to another, ready to love, she has been afraid to receive the intensity of it all. Afraid of real and unending love, she sabotages it, thinking she doesn't deserve it, and thereby hurting him in the process. With this type of guy, do not be afraid to be direct about your interest. He will be appreciate of the straight forwardness.
Love Strategy: Love. Love him unconditionally. Go out of your way for him as he will naturally do this for you. He knows your value. But he wonders if you know his. You may have to convince him that you do as others in the past have been unable to. Step away from your ego. He wants to share in your life and he also wants you to share in his. He has a lot of love to give but only if you are willing to return it, and show it as well. He is not afraid to be affectionate and expects the same from you. After all, this is the 21st century and "love and affection" is no longer one sided.
Common Mistakes: The Overly Independent Woman. He enjoys aggressive independent women because he is confident in himself and finds confidence attractive. However, he must watch out. He may end up being her doormat. Naturally nice. He may instinctively go out of his way to do things for her without any expectations. If she is naturally, insensitive, she will take these for granted and his nice behaviors will become the expectation. There is nothing wrong with dating the overly independent woman but always reminder her that you are here because you want to be and that you do not have to be.
Lapse in judgement: In moments of desperation, the Gold Digger. Sometimes, "It ain't trickin' if you got it."
The Lame
Some lames are easy to spot. They do not have a self sufficient job, nor are they currently working on getting one. They have no college degrees or trade education, nor do they have their eyes set on any. The future? What's that? As long as my mama still paying the bills, I'm good with my little gig that allows me to pay for the next Medal of Honor. Let's pity them for a moment. Unfortunately, they did not have any role models in their house growing up and as a result, they ended up here. Sadly, some desperate women will gobble them up. They provide easy emotional support and while, well, she pays the bills. Easy to spot.
Now for the corporate lame. He was taught and learned that a man's only job is to provide for his family. And as long as he is doing that, he is good. He can support her financially but he does not know how to emotionally support her. He hides his insecurities behind his machismo character, afraid of showing his emotional side and unable to communicate effectively. This said, he is secretly afraid of a truly confident woman who can test his ego. Careful confident women, he may just convince you that a woman is not suppose to challenge the man and to keep any critical thoughts you have to yourself. Know and do better.
He is not original. He is the safe investment. He prefers to play it safe. He is "perfect" for a Gold Digger. He will provide the "American White Picket Fence" image that she desperately craves. They will live happily ever after. Or so they think.
Love Strategy: Teach him to be a real man. Teach him to communicate. Teach him that he is still a man even if he shows his insecurities, that he should own them. Teach him that though material possessions are fun, manhood comes from within. Teach him that it's more than okay in times of need to lean on her, that he can confide in you. Teach him that he does not have to be the solid rock twenty-four seven. You must do this. Your life and his will be better for it.
Common Mistakes: The Gold Digger, already mentioned. Pay attention! A simple: business transaction. He provides. She caters. There is no real growth. They live "boringly" ever after.
Wrapping Up
It's important to remember that these positions are not life defining. They are simply a snapshot of where a person may be at the moment. People can and do evolve over time. No one can actively change someone; however, if patient, I truly believe that one can be a catalyst in another's self-improvement journey through unconditional "tough" love. Woman or man, if you are willing to take the risk of love, make sure to guard yourself and to know your worth. Your lover's growth should not come at your expense and make that known from the start. That said, know your value, do not attempt to date someone who is not anywhere near your level (I.e. you can date someone who is a little beneath your level but not a great idea to date someone tremendously lacking in comparison to you). You can make some sacrifices to save Black Love, but not everything.
Love, in general, is an investment, and any investment that is worth it, is a risk by nature. Make sure he or she is ready to invest as well. No half stepping it.
David Paul is a low key romantic, entrepreneur, and unofficial social scientist.
You can reach him on Twitter @officia1DP (less ratchet account) or @djdpaully (more ratchet account).
How to Get a Black Man to Love You
Source: https://medium.com/@DP2/dating-the-3-types-of-black-men-and-women-ea2f0ebe7e3a